What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 12:19
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it wasn’t much.
I have no regrets .
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She married twice! .
Have you made a female relative or friend squirt?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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So whats the point in blame.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
This is how, and why children get BPD.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What are some photos of female sexual organs?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I said to her
I will be 64.
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When she asked me how she looked .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did your mother say that made your jaw drop?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Is it normal to hate my dog, but feel too guilty to get rid of him?
Why did i forgive my father ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot live in the past .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im still living with it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My family never makes their pension either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It was going to be , some day.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She loved him until the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ive learnt so much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Would this be the day?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!